It’s Sienna Miller’s birthday today, and boyfriend Rhys Ifans knows nothing says “happy birthday” like an original Welsh love poem followed by a scavenger hunt. Chappy there really knows how to moisten the old panties. Female First says

Actor Ifans has written a welsh language love poem, which Sienna has been learning, and there are even hints of that Sienna who turns 26 today will get a gift to beat all - an engagement ring. A friend of Rhys [said] that “He’s collected ten presents for Sienna of varying shapes, sizes and prices, all part of his plan for a romantic night in with a mountain of presents. He is keeping tight-lipped on a proposal but hinted to me that he has had a Welsh designer craft a special ring for her…which can only mean one thing.”

This sounds like a birthday surprise dreamed up by Eladrin the gnome loremaster. Throw in some Faerun-specific sub-races and a little headgear and it’s practically seventh grade all over again. The only difference is the part where he has sex with Sienna Miller.

Sienna in London last week:

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“He was a hot mess,” says the snitch. “He was dancing, and kissing a blond with curly hair, then holding hands with a girl with short straight brown hair.” And when the third girl tried to help him up after he “fell on the floor of the bathroom,” he hit on her!

Can anyone blame the guy? If I were engaged to New York, I’d be hooking up with anything but her. There’d be paparazzi shots of me zapping my nads with a taser gun while screaming “This is so much better than sex with my fiancé!” Then I’d make out with a lit BBQ grill and cry tears of joy because, for once, I actually love where my face is.

Mischa Barton blew a .12 on her breathalyzer test, admitted to smoking marijuana earlier that day (which cops found in her car) and had what cops say looked like prescription drugs in her car — in an unlabeled bottle.

That’s why I keep my prescription drugs in a clearly labeled bottle that reads “Fuck You Up Pillz.” I use the “z” instead of an “s” because I’m wack. And also because I took a handful of them while swimming in an above-ground pool full of bourbon. Or at least I was until my neighbor came home and started asking why I filled his pool with booze. He didn’t seem to believe me when I said “Jesus told me to.” But yet he said “Jesus thinks I should hit you with a shovel.” Which he did. God, what a hypocrite.

Paris Hilton’s grandfather announced he’s giving all but three percent of his billion-dollar empire to charity. Another Christmas miracle? The NY Daily News says

Hotel magnate Barron Hilton announced yesterday that he’s leaving 97% of his wealth to charity, dramatically cutting the fortune his children and grandkids will get. That means granddaughter Paris Hilton, who once stood to inherit $100 million or more by some accounts, could end up with a measly $5 million or so.

[Baron’s designated charity] funds clean water in Africa, education for blind children and housing for the mentally ill.

I bet Paris has never wished she were a retarded African more in her life. How ironic! It’s too bad for Paris there aren’t any charities devoted to funding sucking dick and herpes. I’m pretty sure you’re not allowed to write off the free clinic or whorehouses on your taxes.

Paris celebrating Christmas in Hawaii with her skank sister:

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The turkey took in just $1,322 on its opening weekend in eight Texas theaters. Jessica”s next picture, “Major Movie Star,” with Vivica A. Fox and Steve Guttenberg, is also heading straight to DVD.

I did the math on this one and it’s bad. Assuming movie tickets are $10, roughly 16 people saw this movie at each theater over a three day span. If this isn’t a giant sign that says “Jessica Simpson, it’s time for porn” then I don’t know what is. I mean, besides that billboard I built outside her bedroom window that says “Jessica Simpson, it’s time for porn.” Her dad was a big help though, so I can’t take all the credit.

“Stand together,” he insisted. “Stand by each other and don’t let anyone come between you.”

Michael added, “Even if you have to get really like insanely close to your daughter’s unfathomably large breasts for her age, just keep standing by each other. Don’t let anything come between you. Especially pants: The devil’s most sinister form. I rebuke you, pants!” NOTE: I added some pictures of Lindsay Lohan in black tights just for the hell of it.

Jessica Simpson’s fans turned out in droves for the limited theater release of her latest film “Blonde Ambition.” “Droves,” of course, from the Latin meaning “less than 200.” Page Six reports

Her latest, “Blonde Ambition,” a romantic comedy with fellow Texan Luke Wilson, was headed straight to DVD release when the bosses at Nu Image and Millennium Films decided to give it a limited Christmas run. Bad mistake: The turkey took in just $1,322 on its opening weekend in eight Texas theaters. Jessica’s next picture, “Major Movie Star,” with Vivica A. Fox and Steve Guttenberg, is also heading straight to DVD.

$1,332, eh? Let’s break down exactly how many people took in this flick with a little something I like to call “math.” Given the average matinee price for a movie ticket is $6, which we will call “y,” as in y would anyone waste a perfectly good afternoon watching “Blonde Ambition”; an average adult non-matinee ticket is $9 (hereon referred to as “x”); and student and military non-matinee discounts average out to $8 a ticket (hereon referred to as “z”). We’re left with the following equation:

By my calculations, where y = (9x + 8z)/6; x = (6y+8z)/9; and z = (6y + 9x)/8; carry the one and foil method to the second power function of x, you get the following answer:

Which in laymen’s terms means

You can’t argue with math, baby! That’s why I sign all cell phone contracts with a logarithm instead of my name. Cingular¹ can suck it!

The happy family at The Pancake House last week:

¹_{Unless Cingular wishes to advertise on this site, in which case I redact my statement immediately.}

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“I can confirm that they are engaged,” Alba”s publicist, Brad Cafarelli, said in an e-mail to The Associated Press on Thursday. The couple is expecting their first child in late spring or early summer, Cafarelli said.

I can’t believe all these young couples don’t realize that, Garth, marriage is a punishment for shoplifting in some countries. I also can’t believe I just blatantly ripped off Wayne’s World. If I start quoting Coneheads, I want you to give me my medication. And by medication, I mean hit me with your car.

For every knocked up actress in L.A. getting engaged, there’s a decade-old Hollywood marriage hitting the skids. The NY Daily News reports

A pregnant Jessica Alba is getting hitched to her baby daddy. Alba, 26, was spotted sporting a sizable rock on her left hand over the holidays and her rep confirmed Thursday she and aspiring producer Cash Warren, 28, are engaged. No date is set for the nuptials and insiders say the pair may hold off until the baby is born.

But then People magazine reports this morning:

Sean Penn and wife Robin Wright Penn are divorcing, their rep, Mara Buxbaum, confirms to People exclusively. No other details were immediately available. The couple, who’ve been married 11 years, have two children together, Hopper Jack, 14, and Dylan Frances, 16.

I’d normally say something about Sean Penn’s anti-American antics being the cause of his divorce, but I recently became an anarchist, so I’m gonna say it has more to do with his mustache. Yikes. As for Alba, well, I predict months of marital bliss before she catches him with an underage Thai boy and a two pounds of hashish. None of it will matter when the Bilderbergs orchestrate the New World Order, anyway. Not even the mustaches. Hope you all wanted police states for Christmas, ’cause that’s what you’re getting! Also probably fruitcake and over-the-limit fees. After all, ’tis the season for credit card debt and conspiracy theories.

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