Jessica Simpson Has a Total of 198 Fans in Texas

Jessica Simpson’s fans turned out in droves for the limited theater release of her latest film “Blonde Ambition.” “Droves,” of course, from the Latin meaning “less than 200.” Page Six reports

Her latest, “Blonde Ambition,” a romantic comedy with fellow Texan Luke Wilson, was headed straight to DVD release when the bosses at Nu Image and Millennium Films decided to give it a limited Christmas run. Bad mistake: The turkey took in just $1,322 on its opening weekend in eight Texas theaters. Jessica’s next picture, “Major Movie Star,” with Vivica A. Fox and Steve Guttenberg, is also heading straight to DVD.

$1,332, eh? Let’s break down exactly how many people took in this flick with a little something I like to call “math.” Given the average matinee price for a movie ticket is $6, which we will call “y,” as in y would anyone waste a perfectly good afternoon watching “Blonde Ambition”; an average adult non-matinee ticket is $9 (hereon referred to as “x”); and student and military non-matinee discounts average out to $8 a ticket (hereon referred to as “z”). We’re left with the following equation:

By my calculations, where y = (9x + 8z)/6; x = (6y+8z)/9; and z = (6y + 9x)/8; carry the one and foil method to the second power function of x, you get the following answer:

Which in laymen’s terms means

You can’t argue with math, baby! That’s why I sign all cell phone contracts with a logarithm instead of my name. Cingular¹ can suck it!

The happy family at The Pancake House last week:

¹_{Unless Cingular wishes to advertise on this site, in which case I redact my statement immediately.}

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